Thankfulness Series Wk. 6

Finding out your pregnant two weeks into your marriage and almost four months into your pregnancy, is a bit overwhelming. Talk about a total sense of emotional rush. When those two pink lines showed up on that pregnancy test, I felt my knees go weak under me.

I’m not ready to be a mom. I just got married so how can this be happening already? We are supposed to be newlyweds for a year or two before we start talking about kids…

To say that I wasn’t prepared to be a mother at 20 years old, would be an understatement. I was as far from mommy material as one person could be, I think. I’d never been around small children, never spent any time with a newborn (except for a few minutes here and there when I visited family members in the hospital), and couldn’t even recall ever having to change a dirty diaper.

But on October 27, 2008; I found myself in a world that was nothing like I had ever, or would ever, experience again.

I became a mom.

Almost 17 hours worth of labor, a few close calls, more than 24 hours with zero sleep, and a 6 pound, 8 oz. baby boy later, I had entered the throes of motherhood.

Looking back now on those first few months with my son and our initial time together as a family of three, I realize just how blessed I am. I’m reminded of all that I have to be thankful for.

We made the decision in early 2011 to start actively trying to add to our family. We’ve still been up in the air with how many kids we want (the husband would stop at two, while I’ve always dreamed of four), but we’re both in agreement that having just one isn’t in the books for us.

Or is it?

Almost eight months into our journey toward having a second child, we’ve had one chemical pregnancy and a handful of evaporated hopes, but no baby. Week after week, month after month, the clock ticks by, the sticks don’t turn and we see single line after single line.

When you want a baby, it seems that everyone around you is getting pregnant, announcing said pregnancies or having their own children. “Baby fever” is a light term compared to what I’ve encountered during the last few months: wishing and praying and hoping that this month will be “our” month. Spending hours (okay, maybe not hours) on Pinterest browsing nurseries and fantasizing about maybe having a daughter someday…or even another son to be best friends with his big brother.

It’s during these times of want that it’s easy to become unappreciative of the things that we do have. Whether we’re aching for a bigger house (guilty), a new car, nicer camera equipment (guilty again), or a better job…looking ahead to what we don’t have erases the beauty of what we do.

In these months of waiting and aching and praying that we get our second child, I choose to just embrace what is. Embrace the reality that, no matter what I think, maybe right now just isn’t the right time for us. For me. For a second child.